No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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