WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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