he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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