Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Randomize
