i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize