Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize