It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
