Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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