You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
you never un-have a 4some
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
