I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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