I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
the liver wants what the liver wants
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
