I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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