I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sorry my hands just texted you
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
