Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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