you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
