I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
