Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
