Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
