Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
