I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize