I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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