Your mouth is God's brothel.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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