I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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