fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
