Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
