Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
