just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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