watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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