i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
