i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
