I'm gonna have a badass scar
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
