I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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