Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
