i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
