This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
