dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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