I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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