It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
ttyl tear gas
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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