Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
