Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
