We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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