i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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