new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
