...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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