It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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