dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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