Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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