No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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