guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There's always time for handjobs
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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