i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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