I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
