I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
