Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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